Couples shouldn’t be overwhelmed by the challenges created by social distancing and working from home, says Flinders University relationships expert Dr Priscilla Dunk-West.
College of Education, Psychology and Social Work Senior lecturer Dr Dunk-West, who is working from home on a new book, says research into relationships helps us understand what happens in relationships – and “what works in relationships can help couples to navigate the challenges we face in these new social conditions”.
She has three tips to help:
1. Think about Space and Time
With many people working from home or changing their daily duties, couples may find themselves spending much more time together under one roof. Thinking about the space in which couples find themselves can be important because we know that different spaces within the home are used for different purposes. Although this sounds like common knowledge, researchers in the UK asked couples in happy long-term relationships to map out where they spent time together in the home. Not surprisingly, couples said that food preparation and lounge areas were important spaces to engage in communication—be it through dancing together, chatting, listening to music, preparing meals together or sitting together to watch something on television.
Couples don’t need to have formal ‘date nights’ to make time for one another but reflecting on the spaces in one’s home where fun can be had as a couple can help to make physical and emotional space to nurture relationships. Space is also important when planning for working at home. When considering where to put a desk or workspace, think about whether that puts in a barrier to couple time. If working from the kitchen table, can a workspace be packed up at dinner time? How does the work day end? It’s useful putting in some practices to punctuate the day. Couples in happy long-term relationships in Australia, for example, were asked what made them feel appreciated by their partner. It wasn’t so much the grand romantic gestures we associate with movies; the morning coffee made by their partner was reported as being a love gesture. It’s the little things that shape our daily experiences. Making someone a coffee, cuddling on the couch: these are examples of things that couples do at certain points in the day to utitlise home space to strengthen the relationship.
2. Use the Technology
We’ve all now heard of Zoom and other platforms that help people stay connected. Practising social distancing doesn’t have to mean social isolation. We know that social exclusion can have profound negative impacts on people’s wellbeing. Technological advance can assist in maintaining social connections. Couples who have friendships with others can engage in these communicative technologies at a scheduled time to ensure they feel connected to their friends, and this can re-enforce the couple identity. Similarly, couples who live apart (termed ‘living apart together’ (LAT relationships) in the scholarly literature) may already rely on these technologies to stay connected. Although these couples may no longer be able to travel to see each other in person, relying on existing methods used to connect across geographical distance can help in feeling emotionally connected.
3. Couple and Individual Identities
My research looking at everyday sexuality found that people felt that work was important to their sexuality or relationship status. This is because we are social creatures who interact with others in a way that reinforces particular identities. Work colleagues, for example, might discuss one another’s relationships, children, plans for the holidays and so on. As most of us are now faced with the prospect of saying at home, these opportunities for interactions which solidify the couple identity may be greatly reduced. Similarly, a person in a couple relationship may have regular outings with their friends and/or colleagues without their partner present. These friendships outside the couple relationship remain important and healthy outlets. Using technology to find a space to communicate with friends without one’s partner is also important during this time of social distancing.
Dr Dunk-West says we should take heart in the knowledge that contemporary relationships take many formed, including couples living in separate households, different geographical areas and online dating which have brought many changes in the way people relate to one another.