I feel weird writing this post, because I am not the guru of interpersonal dynamics. Thankfully, I am reporting on the advice that actual experts give for how to take existing connections and strengthen them.
At the time of writing this, Adelaide is at the tail end of a heatwave.
Daytime temperatures have consistently been over 35 for a couple of weeks, with nighttime temperatures often staying in the mid to high 20s.
Getting good sleep has been a challenge. And I am sure my air conditioner will be putting in a leave request soon.
This morning, having not slept, I dragged myself out of bed at 6:20am to log on and watch a Practical Workshop for Strengthening Relationships on Zoom. Thankfully, videos didn’t need to be on, because my general head area looked like something a cat coughs up.
The Zoom workshop was hosted by BJ Fogg and Steven Crane, both from Stanford. In fact, the workshop was part of Stanford’s Lifestyle Medicine Initiative (which I think I will explore later on the blog).
Steven was there in his role as a relationships expert, fresh off a recently released report on social connection in America.
BJ Fogg was there in his role as a behaviour change expert. If you’ve seen me speak before, I mention him a lot, as I’m a big fan of his Tiny Habits work.
Now, despite my brain being at about 50% capacity at 6:30am, I was able to take decent notes and extract some key ideas from the presentation. As I was watching it, I was thinking, “I should write about this on BetterU.” Admittedly, I was also thinking, “huh, what, ummm… errr… who… I don’t know… yes… why?” Let’s just say I wasn’t at my best.
They covered a lot in 75 minutes, but for me it boiled down to a simple four-step process.
How to take an existing relationship and make it closer
🪜 Step 1 – Stop and acknowledge just how important those really close relationships are.
The people in your life who would pick you up from the airport at 2am, who you’d go on a road trip with, who would help you in a crisis, who you trust the most. You get it.
Think about your favourite moments in life. Did they involve those people? There’s a good chance they did.
Do you want more of those kinds of relationships? They aren’t necessarily romantic. They could be family, friends, or in some cases a colleague. Probably not pets, as I’ve heard they are terrible at driving you to and from the airport.
This first step is really about recognising the value of these relationships.
🪜 Step 2 – Assuming you want more of those kinds of relationships, think about the various people already in your life: good friends, colleagues, acquaintances.
Pick one (or two, if you’re hardcore) where you’d like to upgrade the closeness of that relationship.
Focus on people with whom you already have a decent connection, so you’re doing an upgrade rather than trying to make a friend from scratch.
🪜 Step 3 – Brainstorm different ways to enhance the quality of that relationship.
Fogg and Crane kindly provided a nice list to get people started.
Narrow it down to one action you’ll begin with and describe it clearly as a behaviour, meaning it’s unambiguous what you are going to do.
For example: “When I see them in the office, I’m going to ask if they’d have time to grab a coffee and give me advice on a situation in my life.”
🪜 Step 4 – Make it more likely that you’ll follow through with the behaviour by prompting yourself.
You might put it in your diary or attach the behaviour to an existing habit.
Also, make it easy. In the example above, you might write out exactly what you’re going to say.
BAM!! New best friend.
OK, well… probably not that easy.
But at least it’s something tangible you can try, rather than my standard friendship-building approach, which involves ruminating endlessly in my head until I get either upset or annoyed, and then doing nothing.
Treat these as experiments in relationship building. Some will work. Some won’t. Along the way, you’ll learn a lot about yourself and how you engage with others.
Assuming an experiment goes well and the relationship deepens, note that the same process can be used to maintain or revitalise a close relationship. The only difference is that instead of choosing a behaviour you think will strengthen the relationship, you choose one that will continue to nurture it.
A few things to note
First, this process is about deepening an existing friendship or connection. There’s an assumption that the preliminary work of moving from not knowing someone to knowing them reasonably well has already happened (which often just requires time, repetition, and shared purpose).
You can try this process with someone you don’t know very well, but expect it to be more hit-and-miss. I’ve used a similar approach to grow friendships from scratch, but it’s more fraught, more anxiety-inducing, and you need to make peace with things not working out as you hoped.
Second, when it comes to choosing the behaviour you’ll take, Fogg said something during the workshop that really stuck with me. To foster closeness, learn what matters most to the other person and help them feel successful in that area.
So you might learn that someone loves reading and occasionally ask if it would be OK to read the same book at the same time so you can discuss it together.
This idea — facilitating someone’s movement towards what matters to them — immediately reminded me of a post I wrote years ago about theoretical research suggesting that friendships form where there is mutual goal assistance. I help you become who you want to be. You help me become who I want to be. Those friendships grow closer because each person feels supported in what matters to them.
Finally, when it comes to building relationships, there are other dynamics at play beyond intentional investment. Attachment styles influence how we perceive and engage with others. Hierarchies influence power dynamics. Gender roles can confuse intent.
While the stepped-out process above gives you some agency in deepening relationships, not all of it is within your control. Think of it like driving a car. With a few controls — accelerator, brake, steering wheel — you can set off on an adventure of your choosing. But you can’t control everything. Traffic, the engine, the weather, and other drivers all matter too.
Final words
I finished the workshop feeling a little better about my social instincts.
I generally feel socially inept, and I use a steady line of failed friendships to support that belief.
But the process they described actually maps pretty well onto how I go about growing connections, especially as an adult. Noticing that forced me to ask why some friendships hadn’t worked.
In some cases, it was the “other dynamics” mentioned above — factors outside my control that meant things were doomed from the start.
In others, I was trying to fast-track a friendship too quickly, essentially applying this process to a stranger.
But more often than not, it was neglecting what comes after.
Once you deepen a relationship, you have to look after it. And that’s mostly where I’ve failed.
So these steps really need to become a cycle: value the relationship, reflect on how you’re maintaining it, brainstorm ways to keep investing, put those into action, rinse and repeat.
Anyway, I don’t often talk about relationships on the blog, but I enjoyed talking about this one. Who knows — maybe I’ll talk about them again.
Take care, peeps
G
